Today is the one day of the year that SUCKS. I have to constantly fight overwhelming sadness and emptiness on a day when so many of my friends are being celebrated. Despite promiscuity as a teen, two failed marriages and 17+ years with my current husband, I never once experienced pregnancy. Being from such a fertile family (the eldest of five children myself, and sisters who got pregnant easily) I felt my body betrayed me. Now, as I get older, I feel betrayed even more. I will never know the joys of little ones bringing me breakfast in bed, homemade cards and hand picked dandelion bouquets. No one will ever run into my arms and cry out "Mama!" I won't see joyous laughter and surprise at birthdays and Christmas. As I get older, I realize that I'll never feel the pride of watching my baby become a mother or father, and beam with joy as they learn to parent. I'll never hear myself referred to as Grandma or Nana. I'll never have that.
I hate that my body failed me and yet still "looks" like a mom's body. My "birthing" hips, voluptuous breasts and strong lifting arms...pointless. And I know that until I stop hating my body for this, hating myself for my life choices, hating Mother's Day, I am never going to love my body enough to want to BE healthy. After my hysterectomy four years ago, it was FINAL. Permanent. Forever. I know that I have to forgive myself of the life choices that brought me to childlessness, to make amends with the "female" parts of me that haven't proven themselves worthy through motherhood. I know I should celebrate all the things that I AM, and be happy with that. But on Mother's Day, that's just too hard.
Me and my wife went through the same struggle. We tried everything, including in vitro. With us the doctors told us nothing biologically was wrong. Eggs and sperm make babies. Not in our case. We grew to literally resent every pregnant person we would see. Years later we had given up hope of ever conceiving. We had been seeing these setups in the mall, the Heart Gallery. Our thoughts turned slowly to the possibility of adoption. The process was difficult but the end result is we now have 2 beautiful girls ages 6 (Abigail) and 7 (Krissa). There are many wonderful kids out there just dying for a mom! Even if only under fostering you have so much to offer a child. You are one of the most incredible people I've ever gotten the opportunity to know. Namaste dear lady and I pray you find peace with your body.
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